Touché Family Values | Out, Damned Spot!

For anybody who missed it: in celebration of All Hallows’ Eve, the floor of Table on Ten was turned over to renowned Commedia dell’Arte troupe – La Famiglia Touché – who brought their oversize personality, dubious gender disposition and filthy Grandma to Bloomville for two consecutive nights, inaugurating:

~ An Utter Farce, in Two Acts ~

Master Brian Bates / Mrs Goodie Touché
Master Brian Bates / Madame Goodie Touché
Master Robert Touché / Miss Sally Touché
Master Philip McCrevice / Miss Sally Touché
Mrs Mabel Lovely-Berchtesgaden / Miss Bessie Bates
Grandma Mabel Touché-Berchtesgaden / Nurse Bessie Bates
Mr William Touché / Mrs Pierrot Bates-Slappelul
Master William Touché / Doctor Pierrot Bates-Dronkenvrouw

Players (in attacco)
Madame Goodie Touché  – Mr Scott Neild
Miss Sally Touché – Mrs Lacy Johnson
Master William (Billy) Touché – Mr David Van Vorst
Master Philip McCrevice  – Mr Jason Lindow

(nella posteriore)
Nurse Barry Bates – Mr Josiah Johnson
Nurse Bessie Bates – Miss Winifred Richards
Sister Brenda Bates-Warbler – Miss Val Dudley
Master Brian Bates – Master Seth Johnson
Doctor Pierrot Bates-Dronkenvrouw – Mrs Inez Valk

(su per il culo)
Grandma Mabel Touché-Berchtesgaden – Mr Perkin Lovely

(le pizze)
• The Fresh Roadkill
• The Bloody Wound
• The Strips of Flesh
• The White Cadaver
• The Slugs
• The Drowned Man
• The Burnt Capsicum
• The Dead Man’s Sausage
• The Don’t Ask

(i mezzi)
• Fresh Salad of Greenies
• Salad of Roast Pepper Flesh

(l’ epilogo)
• Baked Apple Corpse
• Wound Ice Cream
• Gore of Grizzled Cranberry

Expunged from her long-term residency at The Novelty Lounge in Oneonta (following an incident with a Merino sheep and two pounds of asparagus) Madame Goodie Touché has bundled her family into a 1996 Subaru Forester and gone south, hoping to make it to her sister Daphne’s Blue Moon Topless in New Paltz before nightfall. A mangled head gasket, however, finds her marooned in the quaint, tumble-down hamlet of Bloomville New York, with an empty purse and Halloween on the doorstep. Ever the opportunist, Mme Touché offers her services at the only bulb burning for 20 miles around – the notorious Table on Ten, bastion of all things salvaged and glutenous. The proprietress, a shadowy Dutch woman of irregular height, has taken to roaming the dirt roads in her undergarments, swigging from a bottle of Chivas whilst communing with feral goats.  The single remaining member of staff – Phil McCrevice (handyman, Speedo model and Master of the Dark Arts) – is tending to an ever-dwindling coterie of absinthe-addled customers, stretching month-old pizza over a badminton racket and baking it over an old toilet bowl filled with Kingsford briquettes. He quickly accepts Mme Touché’s proposal – to take over the restaurant and run it through the holiday weekend – won over, in part, by the sultry charms of her teenage daughter Sally, who imagines herself the younger sister of Scarlet O’Hara and behaves accordingly. Borrowing McCrevice’s pickup, the Touché family go in search of decor, plumping for Late-Century Salvation garnished with dead Japanese knotweed. Billy Touché – 28 and still recovering from a frontal-lobe injury sustained whilst repairing a leaky lavatory flapper at a gas station in Roscoe with his teeth – is put in charge of the wood-fired oven. Sally does the drinks, Goodie runs the show. Grandma Mabel, wheelchair-bound and serially incontinent, is consigned to the basement where she delivers salads and pizza from the ever-widening gap between her waist-high hemline and descending pantyhose.  Kitchen staff are culled from the recently defunct operating theatre at O’Connor Hospital Delhi. They arrive having just undertaken a failed prostate transplant on an alpaca farmer from South Kortright. Sister Brenda Bates is on dough-stretching, Doctor Bates-Dronkenvrouw on pizza prep, Nurses Bessie Bates and Barry Bates on salads and dessert; and Brian, Master Bates on the dishes.  The lights go down. The customers assemble …